Choice Point
1. Out of Nowhere
In a recent meeting where we were talking about next steps in something I care about, someone said out of nowhere that I had crossed a line...
What happened next was quicker than words. A very young part of me stepped forward and took over. She wanted the moment to go away, wanted to say sorry, sorry, sorry... please don't be angry with me, you are right... In my mind I picked up a magnifying glass and went looking for the one small flaw, the place where I had dropped the ball, where I made a mistake. The longer I looked, the bigger it got. "It was all my fault!"
My body stiffened, my chest tightened, my breathing became shallow and anxious, and my thoughts went fast and panicky.
2. Very Familiar
And then, somewhere in all that, a gentle voice welled up from the depths of my being – "Oh. This is very familiar. I know this one. It is what I do when someone says I have done something wrong, whether I did or not."
Underneath the panic, there was a quiet place somewhere in my body, where I simply knew my intentions had been good. I had not tried to cross any line. I had not done anything wrong. The part of me with the magnifier was simply afraid.
This is what I would call a choice point, a small crack where you see – this is a part of me. It is not all of me. Seeing it in hindsight is good. Catching it in the moment is even better. I took a breath and made a choice to speak from my adult self, the present, centered, loving part of me, and the conversation turned. I was heard, and I could hear her too.
Psychosynthesis, which I draw on in my work, calls parts like this subpersonalities – the old, familiar ways of responding less than ideally, when we are tired, hungry, overwhelmed, etc. These parts live in hidden rooms of our soul house, separated from our center, from the "I" of who we are as an adult. They do not realize that we have grown up, are capable of taking responsibility for the situation, and know how to act.
Two paths from the same moment. The choice point is the moment where you notice you can choose.
3. Where is the parent?
The same thing happens at home, with the people we love most. You might recognize it when your child lets you know you crossed a line, in the ways children do – "You are not the boss of me. I'm not brushing my teeth. You are the worst parent."
We as parents, who so want to do it right, often feel an old part step forward and take over... Now we can quickly find ourselves in a messy situation where our adult self is not in charge at all and the child is trying to make the best of it. Soon a toddler tantrum or a defiant teenager meets a so-called grown-up with a soul house full of subpersonalities who jump in... and before we know it we find ourselves in an old familiar unpleasant place again.
But when there is a moment of calm, a little pause to realize you have a choice, things can shift almost instantly. Suddenly you know where the boundary is, you see what your child wants and needs, and together you can find a path forward.
If you recognize this moment, in yourself or in the way you meet the children in your care, I would love to meet you. A discovery session is a quiet conversation, with no pressure, where we look together at what is alive for you and see whether walking a piece of the road together feels right. You can book one here: [link to discovery session]
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